


I Lied (Wincest/Sastiel)

by animechey



Category: Supernatural
Genre: BoyxBoy, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-06-09 05:16:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6891691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animechey/pseuds/animechey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Dean Winchester are famous in the hunting world. They have hunted and killed many supernatural creatures, but there is one creature that Sam and Dean haven't been able to kill. This is one unknown to Dean; Sam's feelings towards his brother. That is one creature that Sam wants to kill desperately, in fear that one day Dean will find out and hate Sam forever.</p><p>WARNINGS: This story is a boyxboy and a wincest fanfiction that has smut in it. This story has many mentions of self harm and mentions of attempted suicide and self harming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CHAPTER ONE - LIAR

**Author's Note:**

> Hey idjits! 
> 
> This is my first official fanfiction on AO3 (and is also my first on Wattpad as well), and I am hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as I do (which is a lot considering that I absolutely love Wincest). This story is going to keep switching between seasons three and four a lot, so there is no actual straight timeline in this 
> 
> Well...Cas and all the angels and a lot of the characters from seasons four and five are going to be situated in this story anyway. Bela is not dead. Ruby is not dead. Jo and Ellen are still alive (so is Ash), Gabriel is ... well ... Gabriel/The Trickster still. Bobby isn't in a wheelchair. John and Azazel may or may not be dead - Lilith may pop up from time to time. Lucifer is free from hell. Alistair is still dead (only because I don't like the bugger).
> 
> This story was originally written in past tense-third person and is now being written in present tense-third person, so it kinda sucks. I am also really bad at writing in third person in the first place so this may be extra sucky. Hell, it will probably be one of the worst stories I have ever written.
> 
> This story is a boyxboy and a wincest fanfiction that has smut in it. This story has many mentions of self harm and mentions of attempted suicide and self harming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits! 
> 
> This is my first official fanfiction on AO3 and Wattpad, and I am hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as I do (which is a lot considering that I absolutely love Wincest). This story is going to keep switching between seasons three and four a lot, so there is no actual straight timeline in this 
> 
> Well...Cas and all the angels and a lot of the characters from seasons four and five are going to be situated in this story anyway. Bela is not dead. Ruby is not dead. Jo and Ellen are still alive (so is Ash), Gabriel is ... well ... Gabriel/The Trickster still. Bobby isn't in a wheelchair. John and Azazel may or may not be dead - Lilith may pop up from time to time. Lucifer is free from hell. Alistair is still dead (only because I don't like the bugger).
> 
> This story was originally written in past tense-third person and is now being written in present tense-third person, so it kinda sucks. I am also really bad at writing in third person in the first place so this may be extra sucky. Hell, it will probably be one of the worst stories I have ever written.
> 
> This story is a boyxboy and a wincest fanfiction that may have smut in it (depending on me). This story has many mentions of self harm (cutting and burning), and suicide attempts, and stories of attempted suicide attempts.
> 
> \- Sammy xo

**-|-|-|-**

"Sammy," Dean says. "I'm going to a bar."

Sam winces. "Have fun, Dean."

The door of the motel slams behind Dean and Sam sighs sadly. This is a normal occurrence between the brothers when they were on a hunt, and it hurts Sam more than it should hurt him. The hurt comes from how he feels about Dean, and he is more than disgusted by himself because he knows that his feelings shouldn't be real. Sam knows that is is beyond wrong to feel the way he does about his brother, but he can't help it.

Sam hears Dean's black '67 Chevy Impala leave the motel parking lot, and he knows that he is alone now. He heads to the motel room's bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror, repulsed at what he sees. His hair is getting longer and needs a cut, and his skins is getting even more pale than usual, making the black bags from his lack of sleep stand out more than Sam likes. This all makes him feel even worse. Compared to Dean, Sam thinks that he is a person who doesn't deserve anything.

"Sorry, Dean," Sam says.

 **-|-|-|-**   

Dean gets a bad feeling as soon as he pulls into the parking lot of the motel. He turns the Impala's ignition off and runs inside the motel room. He doesn't see Sam anywhere, but he can see that the bathroom door is shut and that there is a light on in there. He bangs on the door but gets no answer. Fear shoots through him; he feels unbelievably scared and he doesn't know what to do. Dean bangs on the door again and, this time, hears a small noise.

"Sam!" Dean yells. "Sam, open this damn door!"

Sam doesn't reply and Dean backs away from the door. He kicks the door open and horror washes over him as he sees Sam laying on the ground, blood pooling around Sam and an empty pill container near him. Dean's instincts kick in and he grabs a handful of washcloths to try stop the blood flowing from Sam's wrist. He tapes the washcloths to Sam's arm and drags him over to the shower cubicle. Dean forces two of his fingers down Sam's throat, and forces Sam to start throwing up the pills he swallowed.

"Sammy," Dean says softly. "Please get it all out."

Sam looks at him. "Why?"

"I can't lose you."

Sam lets out a noise that sounds like a scoff, but allows Dean to help him. He throws up all of the pills he swallowed and rests his head against the glass surrounding the shower as Dean cleans Sam's cuts and sews up his arm. Sam doesn't say anything to Dean, even though he is being bombarded with questions as Dean wraps a bandage around Sam's arm. Dean is still scared, and that isn't about to change any time soon.

"Sammy, please tell me," Dean begs. "Why did you do this?"

Sam sighs. "Can I tell you when I'm ready?"

"Okay, Sam. Just...please don't take too long."

"I'll try, Dean."

"I'm keeping an eye on you, okay, Sammy?"

Sam smirks. "Suicide watch again?"

"I'm scared, Sam."

"Of what?"

"Waking up one day and finding you dead."

**-|-|-|-**

That night is hard for Dean. He is beyond tired, but, at the same time, he is overly paranoid. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Sam, unconscious, with blood under his arm, and the empty pill container just laying there. It makes him not want to sleep, and it almost forces him to keep a watchful eye on his younger brother all night. Dean knows that his Sammy is a danger to himself, but Dean had no idea how to prevent Sam from hurting himself anymore.

" _My_ Sammy?!" Dean says, shocked. "What am I on about now? He's not mine... He's never going to be mine because he deserves so much better than me. I'm not worth him and his time. God, I don't deserve him."

Little did Dean know that Sam is listening to every single word that Dean was saying. He is understandably confused with everything that Dean had said, but it makes Sam feel that, just maybe, he has some sort of chance with everything; it makes him feel slightly better, but the thing that makes him feel much better is when he was cuddling up to Dean. As soon as Sam does so, Dean pulls Sam as close as humanly possible and they both drift off into nightmare ridden sleeps.


	2. CHAPTER TWO - HIDER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits!
> 
> Here's the second chapter for those who want to read it.
> 
> \- Sammy xo

**-|-|-|-**    **  
**

  Both Sam and Dean are ones to hide how they really feel, but Sam is always the worst at doing so and Dean can easily tell how Sam is really feeling. It helps Dean know what he can say that won't set Sam off on an anger rampage or something, but, sometimes, even just knowing what not to say doesn't really help and Dean sets Sam off unintentionally. These are the worst moments for both brothers.

  "Have we got something, Dean?" Sam yells from the bathroom.

  "Nothing," Dean replies. "It's a boring country."

  "Really? That's odd."

  "There's not even anything in the newspapers."

  Sam walks out of the bathroom with only a crappy, white hotel towel hanging dangerously low on his hips. Dean throws the newspaper onto his bed and heads to the bathroom to have a shower himself, leaving Sam to continue looking for a case, after he gets dressed. Sam scrolls through all the most recent deaths and accidents in the area, but doesn't manage to find anything that sounds remotely like something they would have usually had to deal with.

  After a couple more minutes of looking, the bathroom door opens and Dean walks out. Sam looks over at Dean, instantly regretting it when he see that Dean is only wearing a towel around his waist. Sam flushes and, somehow, forces himself to look away from his half naked brother before something happened that he had no control over. He knows that he doesn't need to deal with that at the moment.

  Dean looks over Sam's shoulder. "Anything?"

  Sam shakes his head.

  "Damn. It's been a while."

  "I know. There's something going on, and I don't like it one bit."

  "Unless you get on of those vision things, you really need to take a breather, Sammy."

  "I'm fine, Dean."

  "I know you're not."

**-|-|-|-**

  Dean hears Sam groan lowly and looks over at his brother, worry clear on his face. Dean's eyes widen when he sees Sam holding his head and squeezing his eyes shut. Dean runs over to Sam and holds him until the vision ended, and Sam was Sam again. Sam's vision lasts longer than before, and it scares Dean. Dean watches Sam's face carefully for any sign of pain, and is surprised as he sees a small smile appear on Sam's face.

  "Sammy?" Dean asks. "Is everything alright?"

  Sam blinks. "For once."

  "What did you see?"

  "Something I have wanted to see for so long."

 "Yeah okay, Sammy."

  "You want to go out tonight?"

  Dean blinks in surprise. "Yeah."

  Sam smiles, and it makes Dean's heart warm because this isn't one of Sam's forced smiles, it is the first real smile that Dean has seen for months. He hopes that his brother is finally coming back to him, but he knows that whatever Sam is going through can still be preventing him from fully coming back until it is over. _Whatever this is, it can't last forever,_ Dean thinks to himself just before Sam touches Dean's shoulder and brings him out of his thoughts.

  "I know that I am hiding things from you, Dean," Sam says. "But you will find out those things very soon. Believe me on this, you will hate me at first, but you will soon accept me and everything will change."

  Dean frowns. "Sam, what the hell did you see?"

  "You'll find out soon."

**-|-|-|-**

  The boys head out to the nearest bar that night and Dean instantly starts hitting on a woman, already trying to get into her pants. Sam just shrugs it off and gets a beer, drinking half of it in just a few mouthfuls. Sam sees girls all over a half scared Dean and decides to help. Sam walks over to Dean and grabs his hand, pulling him from the small crowd and watches him stumble. The girls pout sadly and one said something about 'all the hot males being taken'.

  "Come on, Dean," Sam whispers in Dean's ear. "Get away from them before you have no control in what happens tonight."

  Dean nods in agreement. "Good idea, Sammy."

  Sam pulls Dean over to the bar and they sit down, Sam instantly downing the rest of his beer. Dean watches in amazement as his brother ordered a round of shots, and downed two in quick succession. Dean then shrugs and does the same, quickly regretting it when his throat burns more than it usually does. Sam chuckles at Dean's expression and rolls his eyes fondly.

  Sam and Dean go through round, after round, after round of shots during the night and, somehow, Sam drives the two of them back to the motel. The trouble doesn't start until Sam has to help a very drunk Dean have a shower without injuring anyone. Being drunk himself, Sam has the time of his life trying to do so, and he ends up stripped down to his boxers, along with Dean, and sitting on the floor of the shower with the water spraying half on him, half on Dean.

  "Sammy, I'm sorry," Dean says quietly, making Sam go still. "I know it hurts to see me drunk with some slutty chick nearly every single time we are at a bar, but I can't help it ya know? It's like an instinct, I guess."

  "Dean, it's fine," Sam says, stopping Dean before he would say something he would definitely regret tomorrow. "You don't need to explain anything. I get it."

  "Sam, don't try to make this okay! I know it isn't! I can see that it is killing you!"

  "So what if it's killing me?! Why do you care?! Why now, Dean?!"

  "You're all I have left, Sam. You're the only reason that I'm still here. I'm tired, Sammy. I'm tired of this life and all this work, but I'm still here. I'm still here because of you."

  Sam stays quiet.

  "You don't see it do you? Of course you don't. I never tell you anything so why would you? You don't see how broken I am. You don't see that you're the only one holding me together."

  "Dean, I see more than you think," Sam sighs. "I see everything that everyone misses, and, believe me, it hurts a lot but I wouldn't change it for the world. In this instance, it is you who doesn't see me, or what I'm going through."

  "What are you saying, Sam?" Dean asks slowly, the alcohol preventing him from thinking clearly enough to process what is happening.

  "You know what I'm saying, Dean. You're just too drunk to realize what the meaning behind it is, and, right now, I'm glad for that."


	3. CHAPTER THREE - FIGHTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits!
> 
> *INSERTS MINOR WARNING FOR THE CHAPTER RIGHT HERE*
> 
> This is the third chapter so far, and I think that it's the best chapter I have written so far because of what happens *insert Dean's winky face* in this chapter. Ya'll find out soon enough!
> 
> Happy first of May everybody! Well, for those people it is actually May for. I don't know where ya'll from so I can't exactly say 'Happy May Day, everyone!' (it's May Day here in Aussie).
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the chapter!
> 
> \- Sammy xo

  Sam wakes to a surprise the next morning. An all too familiar warmth, and scent, surrounds him, and it makes him all but fall out of the bed. He soon realises his state and throws on some boxers and a pair of jeans, fear and shock being his main emotions. He cleans up the mess in the motel room to distract himself from his emotions, and his memories of what happen last night. He really hopes that Dean had drank too much last night so Dean doesn't remember much.

  "Sammy," Dean groans. "My head hurts."

  Sam chuckles. "Coming, you big sook."

  "How the hell are you fine? You drank way more than me."

  "I have a higher alcohol tolerance than you, Dean. Did you forget that?"

  "It's hard to think right now, man."

  "Here ya go."

  Sam throws the painkillers from his bag and a bottle of water at Dean, and, as expected, Dean instantly downs two pills with only a mouthful of water. Dean skulls the remaining water and the pounding pain behind his eyes dulls to a low throb of pain every few seconds. Sam watches as Dean gets out of bed and gets dressed, Dean wincing with every step or wrong turn. Sam flinches every time, and Dean notices, but doesn't say anything.

  Sam keeps an eye on Dean while Dean cooks breakfast for the two brothers. It is different. There is no chatter about them not having a case, or even on of the brothers trying to find a case to do. The silence is almost deafening to the two of them, and Dean is the only one who feels the tension in the air; and, not to mention, the anxiety just _flowing_ from Sam. Dean knows that something is going on, but he can't think of anything. He has an idea.

  "I remember most of last night, Sam," Dean says, watching Sam and his reactions. "Want to have the chance to explain before I start guessing?"

  Sam goes rigid. "I don't know what you're talking about."

  "Sure you do. You were the one that said that you see more than you think that I think you see; that you see everything that everyone misses. You also said something about me not seeing you and not seeing what you're going through. You can't lie to me, Sammy."

  "I didn't think you'd remember it."

  Dean blinks. "So, you only said it because you thought I wouldn't remember? God damn it, Sam!"

  "I'm sorry, Dean. I really am, but you can't put all the blame on me."

  "I'm not. Why would I blame you, Sam?"

  "You're the one that said that you are tired of hunting, and that I'm the only thing you have left; the only thing holding you together."

  Dean curses. "Just because I said that-"

  "Don't you dare blame the alcohol for last night!" Sam yells. "I know it wasn't the alcohol talking! It was you!"

  Dan frowns and tries to remember last night, but everything is hazy and hard to concentrate on. All except one part, but Dean is kind of sure that it didn't really happen. Sam watches Dean as the memory flashes through Dean's mind, making Dean go red. This confuses Sam and makes him from. Dean isn't one to blush, and Sam knows that.

  "Dean," Sam says. "Dean, what is it?"

  "I think something else happened last night," Dean says slowly. "How much do you remember?"

  "We were talking in the shower and then..."

  "Sam?"

  "Then..." Images flash through Sam's mind. "I think that I kissed you, or you kissed me. I can't tell."

  "So that actually happened?"

  "I think so."

  "I thought I had dreamed that, but now..."

  "Do you regret it?"

  "I don't know, Sammy."

**-|-|-|-**

  'I don't regret it,' Dean thinks. 'Hell, I know that it was wrong, but I don't regret it.'

  'He regrets it,' Sam thinks sadly to himself. 'I just know it. It was so wrong too.'

  Dean looks over at Sam and a worried expression flies onto Dean's face as Dean sees Sam almost in tears. Dean sits down next to Sam and pulls him close, letting Sam cry everything out if he needs to. Sam resits Dean at first, but soon melts into his brother's welcoming warmth. Sam feels safe with Dean, and Dean feels safe with Sam. They are brothers and they are meant to stay together until the end, and maybe even longer.

  "I'm here for you, Sammy," Dean says soothingly. "You're my little brother and I will protect you until my last breath. I'm not going to let anyone or anything hurt you anymore if I get a say in things. I love you too much for that, Sammy."

  Sam stares at Dean, speechless.

  "I don't regret that kiss, and I'll be more damned than I already am if I let someone make me regret it. Let me tell you why."

  Dean presses his lips onto Sam's and kisses him. To his surprise, Sam kisses him back, pushing Dean onto a chair and straddling him. Dean slides his fingers beneath the hem of Sam's shirt and digs his fingers in, earning a groan from his little brother. Dean fights his way into Sam's mouth and hears another groan, making him shiver. Sam forces himself away from Dean's soft, addictive lips and looks straight into Dean's eyes.

  "Dean, what are you doing?" Sam asks.

  "Something I should have done a long time ago," Dean replies, and kisses Sam again.

  Sam allows Dean to have his way until Dean starts undoing Sam's jeans. Sam grabs Dean's hands and pins them down, nipping at Dean's ear. Dean fights Sam's hold but can't get free. Dean groans as Sam begins to make a mark on his throat and Dean throws his head back. Sam chuckles at Dean's response and stops.

  "What are you doing, Sammy?" Dean groans. "This isn't fair."

  "You're not in control here, Dean," Sam hisses in Dean's ear. "I am."

  Dean shivers at the dominance in Sam's voice.

  "You like me in control. Don't you, Dean?"

  "Yes."

  Sam chuckles and rips Dean's shirt off, making Dean shiver at the temperature difference. Dean pulls on the bottom of Sam's shirt and a whine escapes him. Sam's eyes darken and he starts making a mark on Dean's shoulder, a groan escaping Dean. Sam stands up and takes hold of Dean's waistband, pulling him along. Dean is then shoved onto Sam's bed and Sam himself is straddling Dean, sitting just above Dean's half obvious problem.

  "You're a fighter, Dean," Sam hisses into Dean's ear. "But, you can't fight the feelings you have for your brother."

**-|-|-|-**

  Dean wakes with a start and sees that Sam's bed is vacant. He groans and shifts slightly, making himself more aware of his situation. He curses quite loudly and Sam looks over at his brother from there table - where Sam is looking for a case for the brothers. Sam watches Dean grab a clean pair of underwear and head to the bathroom for a shower. Sam sighs and picks up his phone, turning off the recording. He doesn't believe what he just heard come from Dean, so he made sure he got proof.

  "Damn it, Dean," Sam sighs, rubbing his face tiredly. "What else are you hiding?"


	4. Four - Believer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits!
> 
> Here's the chapter I promised you (if anyone is actually reading this anyway). It's been a bad couple of days and I didn't really want to bring my 'bad mood' onto Wattpad, so I stayed away for a couple of days.
> 
> I owe you guys a few chapters, so I'll make it up to you by updating two or three times today weekend. So, sorry for the long ass wait for the update once again.
> 
> Anyway, here's chapter four - by the way, there is a time jump between this chapter and the last chapter. It's not as big as one of the time jumps later in the story. There is also self harming in this chapter.
> 
> \- Sammy xo

**-|-|-|-** **  
**

  Sam decides to confront his brother about what happened a week ago, and find out what else Dean is hiding. Sam just has no idea what-so-ever how to do it, so he decides to call in on an old 'friend' for some help. She doesn't help Sam, much to his anger, and, instead, she gives him more cryptic advice about his life. Once the call has ended, the phone is laying on the floor by the door, next to an extremely startled Dean.

  "Damn, Sammy," Dean says, closing the door. "Not a nice call?"

  Sam sighs. "It never is with that bitch."

  "Bela or Ruby?"

  "Bela. Ruby's not that bad."

  "What'd Bela want?"

  "Nothing."

  Sam walks into the bathroom and slams the door behind him, Dean staring after his brother with worry. Dean picks up Sam;s phone and sits it on the table, noticing how the screen isn't even scratched from the impact with the wall. He hears muttering coming from the bathroom, and walks over to the door, leaning against the wall. At first he can't decipher any of what Sam is saying, but he soon manages to pick out a few select words and phrases that make his mind go haywire with anger, fear and worry.

  "Worthless..." Sam mutters. "Can't do anything right... I keep fucking up... maybe I should succeed this time... Dean wouldn't really care... fucking pathetic... gross... love my own brother... sick... wrong... disgusting person... shouldn't be like this..."

  "'Love my own brother'?" Dean whispers, his mind going a million miles an hour. "I'm dreaming, again, and I'm gonna wake up."

  "Dean!"

  Dean jumps and turns the handle on the bathroom door. He finds Sam sitting next to the sink with blood dripping from his fingers and his knife in his other hand. Dean grabs the First Aid Kit and kneels down in front of Sam. Sam drops his knife and starts sobbing, mumbling about how worthless and pathetic he is, and Dean trying not to lose his cool and start yelling at Sam about how wrong he is. Dean cleans up Sam's arm and sighs, he has to say it.

  "I heard a lot of what you said, Sammy," Dean says carefully. "You don't know how wrong you are."

  Sam sniffles. "I'm weak, Dean. I can't even stop doing this to myself."

  "Sammy, I know that it's hard, but it gets better. Trust me. I know."

  "What are you saying?"

  "You know what I'm saying."

  "Show me."

  Dean shrugs off his jacket and turns his arms around, revealing the side of him that he had kept hidden for so long. Sam lightly traces the slightly raised vertical lines on Dean's arm, and more tears sting Sam's eyes. A couple of the vertical lines look like they aren't even that old, a month old at the very least. Sam looks past the vertical lines and sees burn scars and lots of horizontal lines buried into his brother's forearms. A handful of them look like they had been quite deep, and they also look only to be a few weeks old.

  "Dean..." Sam trails off.

  "They're older than they look," Dean says, wiping Sam's tears away. "Months older."

  "Why do you do this to yourself?"

  "Why do you?"

**-|-|-|-**

  The brother's tell each other why they harm themselves, but both leave out their, unknowingly mutual, major reason. When they have told each other why, the other asks if there is more to it than what is being said; they both say 'no', out of fear of screwing their relationship up. The believe each other, even though they can both see that they are being lied to. They don't want to push too hard because they know that they are so similar, and will shut down instantly if, and when, they are pushed too far for their liking.

  Dean sighs. "I can't believe that this is what we have become."

  "I know, Dean," Sam mumbles tiredly. "This is us now, and I have the feeling that we aren't going to change any time soon."

  "Yeah, I know. It would be strange for us to change."

  "How do you mean?"

  "This is a part of us, and, even if we do end up changing, this is still going to be with us, Sammy. Changing into someone different with this in our pasts? Can you imagine us like that, Sam?"

  "No. Just...don't lose yourself, Dean."

  Sam yawns and his eyes slip shut. Dean picks Sam up and, somehow, manages to carry Sam to his bed. Dean lays Sam on his bed, and Sam pulls Dean onto the bed with him, holding him close. Dean freezes for a moment, but soon relaxes as his little brother's warmth seeps into him. It is still a mystery to Sam how Dean manages to fall asleep rather quickly when they slept together, but Sam isn't complaining. He loves having his brother right next to him; it is a comfort to him.

**-|-|-|-**

  "You still didn't tell him how you feel, Dean," Sam says, shaking his head. "Man, you have issues."

  Dean growls. "I can't tell Sam how I feel, you idiot."

  "Why not? Are you scared?"

  "I'm terrified. What if he hates me?"

  "What if he doesn't?"

  "I can't take that chance."

  Sam walks over to Dean and sits on his lap, making Dean look up at Sam. Dean instantly grabs Sam's hips and Sam puts his hands on Dean's thighs. The proximity alone was enough to drive Dean crazy, and Sam sees that. Sam touches his forehead to Dean's and smiles, knowing exactly what he is doing to Dean. Dean stays as still as he can and takes a series of short, shallow breaths.

  "If this is what Sam does to you," Sam says. "Imagine what you do to him."

  Dean sighs. "How do you know that?"

  "I visit his dreams too, but there I am in your form."

  "I don't believe you."

  "Ask him."

  "What?"

**-|-|-|-**

  Dean jumps at the sound of Sam's voice yelling at him and looks over at his little brother with wide eyes. Sam sits in front of Dean on the bed and looks at him worriedly. The brothers stare at each other in silence for what seems like hours as Dean tries to figure out how to ask Sam about the dreams. Sam watches Dean as the thoughts run through Dean's head and waits.

  "Sammy," Dean says slowly.

  "I have them too, Dean," Sam blurts out.

  "So, it's true?"

  "Yes."

  Dean stares at Sam in shock.

  "You didn't believe it when it told you?"

  "No."


	5. Five - Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits!
> 
> Anyway, you guys aren't going to like me too much after this chapter because I have added a massive twist to this story. It's going to make you go "What the fuck is this bitch smoking?!" or something along the lines of that *chuckles* because I am evil like that.
> 
> Warnings and all that about the chapter ahead *thumbs up* good luck on possibly not wanting to murder me with anger or sadness or happiness or love (if either of those last two are what you want to murder me with I will be seriously surprised).
> 
> \- Sammy xo

**-|-|-|-**

  Sam crawls onto Dean and sits on his brother's lap. Dean watches as Sam trails his hands down Dean's torso. He sucks in a breath as Sam reaches the waistband of his jeans, and teases Dean by trailing his fingers just above the waistband. Dean groans when Sam wiggles slightly, and feels himself harden slightly. Sam smirks and moves again, earning a half moan from Dean. Sam hisses as Dean starts nibbling on his earlobe, and pushes Dean down.

  "No, Dean," Sam warns. "I'm in charge, and I never said you could do that."

  Dean protests, but Sam cuts him off with a kiss. Dean grabs Sam's hips and pulls him closer, causing their clothed members to brush and a moan to escape them both. Dean's fingers slip under Sam's shirt and Sam pulls back. He pulls his shirt off slowly and chuckles when Dean whimpers. Dean grabs the back of Sam's neck and pulls him back down, crashing their lips together once again. Sam tears his mouth off Dean's and starts making a mark on Dean's throat. Dean throws his head back and moans loudly, thrusting his hips up.

  "It's too bad this isn't real, Sammy," Dean says huskily.

  Sam groans. "Don't remind me, Dean."

  "Wake up."

  "What?"

**-|-|-|-**

  Sam's eyes fly open and he immediately sees Dean standing over him with wide eyes. Sam looks down and goes rigid when he sees that he has a boner. He sees that Dean has a slight problem too and frowns slightly. Sam sits up slowly and Dean watches him, his eyes trailing down Sam's naked torso. Dean sits down on his bed and sighs, rubbing his eyes. He glances at Sam and meets his brother's darkened blue eyes.

  "What was that, Sam?" Dean asks wearily.

  "How about you tell me about yours first, Dean," Sam says. "I asked you the other day and you didn't answer."

  "It was nothing."

  "Then that's my answer too."

  "Sam."

  "No, Dean."

**-|-|-|-**

**Mini A/N: Plot twist below. Well... I consider it a plot twist anyway.**

**\- Sammy xo**

**-|-|-|-** **  
**

"Cas, I need help," Sam mutters. "I don't know what to do."

  The sound of flapping wings fills the room. "Hello, Sam."

  "Hey, Cas."

  "I know what you're worried about, and that you're confused at the mixed signals and emotions you're getting from Dean."

  "Do you know what to do, Cas?"

  "I mean, I can help, but you're not going to like it."

  "You want to erase our memories."

  "Not exactly. Just Dean's."

  Sam looks at Cas.

  Cas meets Sam's unwavering gaze. "It's up to you, Sam. I won't do it without your consent."

  Sam's weary eyes searched Cas' face and piercing blue eyes for any sign that Cas is lying, by Sam finds none. He only finds brutal honesty, and something else; something Cas is hiding, and has been for a very long time. Cas blinks slowly and sighs, sitting down next to Sam on the motel bed. Cas stares down at the mould coloured carpet, and a strange expression flies onto his face. Sam sees it and places his hand on Cas' shoulder.

  "What's wrong, Cas?" Sam asks.

  "I've been hiding something from you for a very long time, Sam," Cas sighs. "I just don't know if I should tell you yet."

  "Don't you think that I deserve to know?"

  "You have every right, Sam. I'm just scared."

  "Scared of what? Telling _me_  something?"

  Cas laughs humourlessly. "If only that was the case."

  Sam frowns in confusion and stares at the mouldy carpet of the motel floor. He wishes that he isn't in the motel, within his brother's hearing, so he can speak freely without fear of his brother hearing. Cas touches Sam's arm and zaps them to a place that Sam hasn't seen in years; his childhood home. Cas has zapped them so they are sitting on the gutter across the street, the wonderous house directly in front of them. Sam meets Cas' gaze and smiles, silently thanking him.

  "What is so private that even Dean isn't allowed to hear but I am, Sam?" Cas asks. "Should I be worried about yours, or Dean's, safety more than usual?"

  Sam snorts. "No. he just doesn't need to hear you tell me how you feel."

  "So, you don't have something to tell me?"

  "I never said that."

  "True."

  "You just deserve to go first."

  Cas looks over at Sam wearily and sighs. He doesn't know how to tell Sam how he feels, and he hates it. Cas has a plan and all, but what if Sam doesn't react the way he wants him to react? Sam wraps his arms around the frail angel and Cas lets his head drop onto Sam's shoulder. Cas looks up at Sam and sees that their heads were closer than he originally thought; their breaths mixing and their lips inches apart. Cas looks into Sam's eyes and sees conflicting emotions.

  Cas is about to tell Sam that they don't have to, but is stopped before he starts by Sam leaning down and closing the gap between their lips. Cas turns towards Sam slightly and kisses him back, their lips moving in an almost perfect sync. It is not rushed; it is slow and sweet, like they have all the time in the world. Their kiss is cut too short by Cas' cell phone going off. At that, they reluctantly pull away from each other, and Cas answers his phone, putting it on speaker with Sam's help.

  "Hello," Cas says.

  "Where's Sam, Cas?" Dean growls.

  "With me."

  "You don't get to just zap him somewhere without asking!"

  "Dean, calm down," Sam says. "I asked him to."

  "What the hell, Sammy?"

  "We're on our way."

  "Sam-"

  Sam ends the call and Cas puts his cell phone back in the pocket of his beige trenchcoat. Their eyes meet and all they can think about is the kiss they shared moments ago. Cas touches Sam's arm and zaps them back to the motel. They appear next to the Impala and Sam leans on it, his hands buried in his jacket pockets. Cas stands awkwardly in front of Sam for a minute before just giving in and kissing Sam again.

  Cas' hands go straight to Sam's chest and press there lightly, and Sam's go straight to Cas' hips. This kiss isn't a hungry or demanding kiss either - it is the continuation of the kiss that had been so rudely interrupted by Dean earlier. They are so caught up in their kiss, that they don't realise that it has started raining until they are drenched and out of breath. They curse the rain teasingly and run to the motel room, laughing their heads off and insulting the rain.

  Sam bangs on the door and it flies open to reveal an extremely pissed off Dean. The sight sobers their happy moods almost instantly. Dean pulls them inside and yells at them for what seems like hours, and they aren't even paying attention. They can't stop thinking about the best thing that has happened to them in a long time, and they know that nothing is going to change that. In those moments, they made a bond that would last forever.


	6. Six - Lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits!
> 
> This chapter is...well...not too friendly. I don't think it is anyway... It's kinda sad and it makes me wish that I didn't put this in the story, but my fingers have a mind of their own and just wrote the bloody thing before I could stop myself. Oh and, by the way, time jump again *smiles cutely* nah jokes, I ain't cute.
> 
> Anyway, ONWARD MY WAYWARD SONS OF IDJITS!  
> Or something along the lines of that...
> 
> \- Sammy xo

**-|-|-|-**

  "I love you, Dean," Sam says. "That's why this has to be done."

  "You want to screw with my head!" Dean yells. "Hell no!"

  "Dean," Cas sighs. "You don't have a choice."

  Cas presses two fingers to Dean's forehead and Dean's eyes roll back into his head as he passes out. This is only happening because there is no other way, and also because things have gotten out of hand in the past month. Sam has only completely agreed to Cas doing this not even an hour before, after the brother's had a massive falling out, and Sam ended up in the motel's bathroom again. Somehow, Cas still has no idea about Sam harming himself, and that makes Sam scared about how Cas will react to what Sam is doing. That isn't the thing on Sam's mind right now though; it is Dean.

  "Sam," Cas says, bringing Sam from his thoughts. "Are you alright?"

  "Yeah," Sam sighs. "I'm fine."

  "You're worrying about Dean. I get it, Sam."

  "How is he going to react when he finds out, Cas?"

  "About his memories? Or about us?"

  "Both, I guess."

  Cas pulls Sam into a hug and Sam hugs him back. The warmth that radiates from Cas makes Sam relax, and makes everything seem like it is fine. It is until Dean wakes up; that ruins everything because Dean starts yelling for Sam. Sam walks into the area where Dean is and sees him laying on his side, the chair he is tied to keeping him there. Sam hears Cas let out a short laugh, and Sam lets a small smile creep onto his face. Cas walks over to Dean and unties him, Dean shoving Cas as soon as he is untied, making Sam move in front of Cas on instinct.

  "What the hell, Dean?" Sam exclaims.

  "He left us, Sam!" Dean yells, pointing accusingly at Cas. "He left us for _months_!"

  "He does that all the time! Why was this time any different?!"

  "I needed him!"

  Cas clears his throat. "Sam, I think I should go."

  Sam looks at Cas. "No. Cas, please don't."

  "Dean doesn't want me here."

  "I do."

  "Then go with him!" Dean snarls. "See if I care!"

  Cas stares at Dean in utter shock and Dean glares right back at Cas. Nobody notices  Sam run out of the room until a door slams shut, a click following it. Dean's eyes go wide and he sprints to the bathroom, Cas appearing next to him almost instantly. Sam sobs as Dean bangs on the door, shaking it with every hit, and yells for Sam to let him in. This continues for a couple of minutes, well... until Cas gets tired of waiting and just zaps himself into the bathroom, Cas instantly freezing at the sight.

  "Sam..." Cas breathes, crouching down in front of Sam. "Sam, why now?"

  Sam breathing turns erratic.

  "I'm sorry, Sam. "Let me heal you."

  Sam flinches away. "No... Please, Cas..."

  "I can't let your brother lose you."

  "You mean you can't... He doesn't care..."

  "He does, just in his own way."

  "Sam!" Dean yells. "Sam, I'm coming in!"

  "Get me out..." Sam says, his eyes drooping closed.

  Dean kicks the bathroom door in just as Cas touches Sam, and zaps them away. Dean sees the massive pool of blood and collapses to his knees, crying out. He hadn't meant a single word that he had said to Sam and Cas, and now they are both gone, leaving Dean alone. The glint of Sam's forgotten knife catches Dean's eye and he tries his hardest to ignore it, for Sam; for his brother; for the boy he had fallen in love with years ago.

  Dean starts writing.

**-|-|-|-**

**Mini A/N: Sastiel warning(?)**

**\- Sammy xo**

**-|-|-|-** **  
**

  "Why did you heal me, Cas?" Sam sighs, pulling at his hair.

  "You said it yourself," Cas says. "I can't lose you."

  "Damn it, Cas."

  "What-"

  Sam cuts Cas short, grabbing Cas' trenchcoat and kissing him. Cas kisses Sam back instantly and grabs Sam's hands that are still holding onto Cas' trenchcoat. Sam backs Cas up against a wall, and Cas grunts at the impact. Sam's hands move to the wall either side of Cas' head, and he fights his way into Cas' mouth. Cas groans and pulls Sam closer by the waistband of his jeans, his hand brushing over Sam's member. Sam growls and grabs Cas' hands, pinning them above his head as he attacked Cas' throat.

  Cas tilts his head to the side and lets Sam have more access to his neck, whimpering every single time Sam starts nibbling on a sensitive spot. Sam moves so their bodies press together, and moves his hips slowly, teasing an already hard Cas. Cas bucks his hips up and both him and Sam let out a half grunt - half moan. Sam holds Cas' hands above their heads with one hand, and starts undoing the buttons on Cas' shirt with the other.

  "Sam," Cas groans. "Stop."

  Sam's hand freezes instantly and he pulls back.

  "Not here, and not now."

  "Okay."

  Sam lets Cas' hands go and moves away from Cas, buttoning his shirt back up. Neither of them have any idea how Sam's shirt came undone, or how Cas' infamous trenchcoat is on the floor. They don't really care; all the care about is stopping themselves from continuing where they left off. Just as Sam is about to give up on that, his phone goes off. He sees a text from Dean and his heart almost stops just reading it.

  "Sam?" Cas asks worriedly. "What's wrong?"

  "Dean..." Sam breaths. "He's going to..."

  "Sam, you're not making any sense."

  "Go get Dean!"


	7. Seven - Divider

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits!
> 
> I really regret this chapter more than the last but hey I'm the silly person here aren't I? I mean, I am the one writing this story that is screwing severely with my emotions and mind and feels. *shrugs* I'm one weird ass bitch.
> 
> I watched the last episode of Season Nine of Supernatural a few weeks back (Do You Believe In Miracles?) and watched Dean become a bloody demon after Metatron killed him. Honestly, I hate Metatron so much and I'm glad the son of a bitch is dead.
> 
> Anyway, ON WITH THE STORY I AM SO SCREWED UP BECAUSE OF!
> 
> \- Sammy xo

**-|-|-|-**

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  Cas stares out the window, his jaw set and anger burning fiercely in his bright blue eyes, and Sam sits in the only plastic chair in the room, dark circles around his eyes and his face drawn and pale. They haven't moved an inch in days. That is, unless Bobby calls Cas and tells him to get Sam out of 'that bloody stinking room' and get him some food and/or air - basic human necessities. The only other time Sam moves is to go to the toilet, or when he passes out and Cas puts him on the make-shift bed on the floor.

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  "Sammy..." Dean groans quietly, making Sam and Cas jerk in surprise. "Sammy, what's going on? Where am I?"

  "Dean," Sam says, all but throwing himself at his brother. "We thought we lost you."

  "'We'?"

  "Bobby, Cas and me."

  "Who's Cas?"

  "Oh my God..."

  Cas sees Sam starting to cry and pulls him into a hug. Dean glares at Cas, and sees the amount of pain, hurt and worry in Cas' eyes. The glare fades and is replaced with a look of confusion. Sam sobs and Cas' arms tighten around the youngest Winchester, holding him tightly. Cas then pulls back and gives Sam a small, reassuring smile, wiping Sam's tears away. Dean clears his throat and the two, a hunter and an angel, are jerked from their little moment.

  "I'm just going to take a wild guess and say that you're Cas," Dean says. "Or Castiel, I should say."

  Cas nods. "Yes, Dean. Also, might I mention, that we have become quite close."

  "Obviously not as close as you and Sammy."

  "We're close in a different way."

  "What's the last thing you remember?" Sam asks, interrupting the two.

  Dean frowns. "Being in some shed with Bobby. There were sigils and symbols everywhere."

  "You were summoning me," Cas says. "That was almost two years ago, Dean."

  "What?!"

  "Cas," Sam says, his voice small. "I need to talk to you."

  Sam walks out of the room, with Cas hot on his heels, and leaves Dean alone with his thoughts. He hears Sam talking about memories in an erratic voice, and Cas replying in a fake calm one. Cas is trying not to let Sam know that he is worrying, and Dean silently thanks Cas for this. Dean's eyes close slowly and he drifts off to sleep listening to his little brother, and his little brother's boyfriend, talking about 'returning memories' and other ridiculous memory things.

  "Sam," Cas sighs. "Are you sure?"

  Sam shakes his head. "No, but it's worth a shot."

  "It won't all come back today."

  "Over time. Yeah, I get it."

**-|-|-|-**

  The fact that Dean has no memories of the past two years makes some things easier, and some things much harder than they need to be. For one, Dean has no idea about Sam harming himself, which is a good thing. A bad factor is that Dean doesn't remember any of the hunts that he, Sam and Cas had done in the past two years; this makes things difficult. Cas has had to tell Dean a lot of what had happened, with Sam's help of course, and kind of freaks Dean out by going into detail about _everything_. Cas almost tells Dean about him and Sam, but Sam stops Cas with a look.

  "He deserves to know, Sam," Cas says.

  Sam sighs and rubs his eyes. "I know, but I want him to have his memories back first."

  "He knows something is going on between us."

  "You don't think I know that, Cas?!"

  "There's no need to yell at me."

  "I'm sorry."

  Cas nods and vanishes, only the sound of flapping wings letting Sam know that Cas is gone. Tears sting Sam's eyes and he sobs loudly, waking Dean from his sleep. Dean has that built into him, an instinct you might as well call it, so he always knows when something is wrong with Sam, and it helps him a lot. Dean finds Sam sitting in the corner of the motel room, sobbing and coughing. Dean instantly hurries over to his little brother and pulls him into a hug, not ready to let him go any time soon. Sam buries his face into Dean's shirt and tries to ignore the feeling he is getting just sitting there.

  "Talk to me, Sammy," Dean says softly.

  "About how I screwed up again?!" Sam all but yells, shoving Dean away. "About how I let him leave?! About how I screwed us up?!"

  "Us..?"

  "Yes, Dean. Us. We had something but you kept denying it! That's why I tried to kill myself! Again! Then I leave with Cas and you go and try to kill yourself! Again, Dean! That's how we ended up in this mess!"

  "You're with Cas."

  "Only because you weren't there anymore, Dean! I loved you and you threw it all back in my face! I prayed to Cas and _he was there for me,_ Dean! He hopefully still is because I can't lose him too!"

  "Sammy..."

  "I loved you, but not anymore. How could I still love you after what you've become?"

  Sam gets up and walks to the door.

  "I'm in love with you, Sam!" Dean yells as loud as he can.

  Sam freezes. "That doesn't change anything, Dean."

  "Why not? Did you go an fall in love with someone else? A chick? A guy? Another demon? The freaking devil?!"

  "An angel!"

  The room goes dead silent and Dean's eyes fly wide in shock. Sam faces his older brother and glares at him through his tears, angry because of all the assuming that Dean has just done. Sam opens the motel door and picks up his green duffel bag. He walks out the door and slams it behind him, shaking all the windows nearest the room. He gets in the Impala and drives away, leaving Dean to deal with the ghost case. After leaving town, Sam hears the sound of flapping wings and sees Cas out the corner of his eye.

  "I heard everything," Cas says. "Is it true?"

  Sam nods.

  "I can't say that I'm not surprised."

  "What's that meant to mean?"

  "Get to the nearest motel and I'll explain there."

  "Why not now?"


	8. Eight - Finder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits!
> 
> The reason I haven't been uploading on AO3 is because I am writing two other stories; 'Put Me Together Again (Wincestiel)' and 'Written In The Heavens (Destiel/Sabriel)' on Wattpad. I am also kind of writing another Sabriel off to the side, and also a Sastiel, so I am writing too many books right now to focus on just one.
> 
> Dedication to blurryfacelester on Wattpad for just being here for me on my books.
> 
> *INSERTS MAJOR SMUT WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER HERE*
> 
> Also....this is my first time writing smut. EVER.  
> P.S. If this chapter is made private, please let me know.
> 
> \- Sammy xo

**-|-|-|-**   **  
**

Dean stares at the door in shock and pinches himself to see if he is just having another dream. He isn't. That means that Sam _did_  admit that he loved Dean, _and_  that Sam...he has now fallen in love with Cas; an angel. Dean knows that he has to get the one person he has ever loved back, no matter what it will take from him along the way.

  Right now, all Dean can do is finish the ghost case and track either Sam's or Cas' phone so he knows where they are. So he tracks down the bones that belong to the ghost, digs up the grave, covers the bones in salt and gasoline, and throws a match onto the remains - setting them alight and successfully stopping the ghost. He then backs into the motel's computer, with the skills that Sam had taught him, and tracks Sam's phone to the motel in the next town.

  Dean packs everything up and calls and old friend for a lift, getting to the town in under an hour. Dean gets to the motel and runs into the reception, instantly asking for the key to the room where the 'tall moose and the baby in a trenchcoat' are. She hands over the key and Dean sprints to the room, almost slipping a few times on the wet cement. He unlocks the door when he gets to it and steps inside, only to have holy water thrown at him. He coughs and shakes his wet arms, sending water all over to place. He glares at hie little brother, and Sam smiles sheepishly, backing away and throwing the bucket into the bathroom.

  "Dude, really?" Dean asks. "Was that _really_  necessary?"

  Sam rubs the back of his neck. "Instinct. Sorry."

  "Sure, Sammy."

  "Why are you even here, Dean?"

  "Do you really think that you get to tell me you love me and then walk out the door?"

  "I...uh..."

  "No, you don't."

  "Dean-"

  "No. No more."

  "Dean-"

  Dean walks over to Sam and presses his lips to Sam's. Sam kisses him back instantly and fists Dean's hair, pulling on it lightly. Dean pulls Sam towards the bed and Sam follows willingly. Sam pushes off Dean's wet jacket and throws it onto the floor, his own jacket landing there soon after. Sam shoves Dean onto the bed and crawls on top of him, kissing Dean forcefully. Dean's fingers latch onto Sam's shirt an tear it open, revealing Sam's fit body that always makes Dean want to run his fingers over it and memorize every inch of it. He does just that.

  Sam pulls Dean's shirt over his head and kisses down his torso, stopping just about Dean's jeans. Dean looks down at Sam with lust filled eyes and Sam smirks, deciding to tease his brother.  He undoes the button and zipper with his teeth before kissing back up Dean's chest and latching onto Dean's collarbone, nipping and sucking. Dean moans and throws his head back, his hands forcing Sam's shirt off and trailing his fingers all over Sam's torso. Sam bites down especially hard and Dean groans, bucking his hips up. Sam chuckles and ghosts his lips back down his brother's body.

  "Sammy..." Dean breathes. "Stop teasing."

  Sam smirks.

  "Sammy..."

  "I'm in control. You're going to listen to me, or it's going to be worse."

  Dean groans and his head drops back at Sam's words. There is a now obvious tent in Dean's pants and Sam sees it clearly, and decides to act upon it. Sam pulls Dean's shoes, socks and jeans off, leaving him in only his boxers. Sam does the same to himself and smirks when Dean groans at the sight in front of him. Sam walks over to his suitcase that Dean had brought with him, and got out two ties. Dean's eyes go wide at the sight of the ties and has to hold back a moan at the thought of what might be coming. Sam walks back over to Dean and straddled his hips, their hard members rubbing together and their moans of pleasure filling the room.

  "So desperate," Sam says. "I can see it; you want to be tied up."

  Dean moans lowly.

  "You don't want it. You _need_  it. You need to be controlled. Don't you, Dean?"

  "Yes."

  Sam grabs one of Dean's hands and ties it to the head of the bed. He is about to do the same to the other one when he feels Dean's breath hit his member and he has to bite his lip to hold in the moan. He quickly ties Dean's other hand to the head of the bed and slides back down his brother's body. Sam presses their clothed members together and they both let out loud moans as Sam moves his hips, grinding down on his brother. Dean bucks his hips up and Sam glares at him, pinning his hips down with his bruising hands. Dean whimpers and fights Sam's hold on his hips as Sam starts kissing Dean's inner thigh."

  "Stop teasing," Dean groans. "I'm gonna come like this if you don't."

  Sam laughs. "No, you won't."

  "Please, Sammy..."

  "If you come before I say you can, you're in so much trouble."

  "Sammy, I can't..."

  "But you will."

  Sam grabs the waistband of Dean's boxers with his teeth and drags them down Dean's quivering legs. Sam starts at Dean's ankle and kisses his way up the inside of Dean's leg, and back down the other, purposely ignoring Dean's leaking member. As soon as Sam kisses Dean's hip, Dean thrusts up and whines, needing to get something done to his hard member. Sam pulls off his own boxers and stands at the end of the bed, staring down at Dean tied to the bed and his cock leaking pre-come. Dean looks up at Sam and moans at the sight; Sam standing there in all his glory with lust filled eyes and an achingly hard cock.

  "I want to see if you can come without me touching you," Sam says, more to himself than Dean. "I wonder."

  Dean whimpers.

  "You better last, Dean."

  "I can't..."

  "Dean."

  "Please..."

  "Please what?"

  "Please fuck me."

  Sam reaches into his suitcase once again and pulls out a bottle of lube and a condom. He kneels between Dean's already spread legs and squirts some lube onto his fingers. He teases Dean's hole for a minute before shoving one finger straight in, Dean moaning loudly. Sam thrusts his finger in and out until the ring of muscle is loose enough for him to add another finger. Dean moans as Sam's fingers brush his prostate, and he grinds down, fucking himself on Sam's fingers. Sam adds a third finger and starts scissoring his fingers, stretching Dean so it won't hurt as much when he enters his moaning mess of a brother.

  Sam pulls his fingers out and smirks when he hears Dean whine in loss. Sam rolls the condom on and covers his member in lube before positioning himself back between Dean's legs. He pushes his tip in and moans at the feeling of Dean clenching around him, Dean hissing at the slight burn. Sam manages to get half of his aching cock buried in Dean before Dean yells for Sam to wait. Dean wiggles slightly, getting used to the feeling, before he wraps his legs around Sam and pulls him closer, the rest of Sam's cock entering Dean. Sam and Dean's moans fill the room and Sam has to hold himself back from pulling  back slightly and thrusting back in.

  "Fuck, Sammy," Dean moans. "So big."

  Sam smirks. "Just wait until I ruin your pretty little hole."

  "Sam, I should have...ah...said this before..."

  "You're a virgin, aren't you?"

  "Yes."

  "My lucky day."

  "Enough talking... Fuck me, Sammy."

  "You're not in _control_!"

  As soon as Sam say's 'control', he pulls almost completely out and then thrusts back in, hitting Dean's prostate head on and hearing Dean swear loudly. Sam grabs Dean's hips in his bruising hold and starts fucking Dean, hitting his brother's prostate every time he thrusts back in. Dean pulls on the ties, wanting to be able to touch Sam, and lets out a whining moan when he can't get free.  Sam smirks and trailed the finger on his right hand just above Dean's needy cock, making Dean's hips buck up. Sam shoves his hips back down and Dean lets out a deep moan, his hands grabbing his restraints and pulling them more forcefully.

  "Sammy..." Dean groans. "I'm close..."

  Sam growls. "Don't you dare, Dean."

  "Please..."

  "No, Dean."

  Unable to hold on, Dean comes, with the shout of 'Sammy' leaving his lips, after Sam hits his prostate a couple more times, his come covering his and Sam's chests. Dean clenches around Sam's cock and Sam comes, filling the condom with a grunt. They ride out their orgasms and Sam collapses on top of Dean in exhaustion. Sam lays there for a couple of minutes, catching his breath, before pulling out of Dean and throwing the condom in the trash. Sam grabs a wet washcloth from the motel room's bathroom and proceeds to clean the cum off his and Dean's chests. Sam then throws the washcloth in the sink and unties Dean from the head of the bed, throwing his ties back into his suitcase.

  "I'm sorry, Sammy," Dean says in a vulnerable voice. "I couldn't stop it."

  Sam sighs. "It's alright, De. I know."

  "Was this a one time thing?"

  "Do you want it to be?"

  "No."

  "Then no, it's not a one time thing."

  Dean moves over and Sam gets into the bed, throwing his arm over Dean's waist. Dean smiles and leans up, kissing Sam softly.  Sam returns the kiss and then pulls Dean closer, their bodies pressing together and their legs tangling. They can't tell whose leg was whose and they don't care; all they care about is being together again and being able to finally be with who they want to be with. They fall asleep in each other's arms and realise that they have finally found the one they had been searching for for years.


	9. Nine - Saviour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits!
> 
> I am so sad to say this, but this is the second last chapter of this story. Don't go crying at me about this being a short book. There is going to be a sequel to this book. I swear. I have already started writing it. Sorry for this being such a short ass book.
> 
> There is a time jump between this chapter and the last chapter.
> 
> \- Sammy xo

**-|-|-|-**

  "I thought you were with Cas," Dean says. "What happened?"

  Sam sighs. "Cas and I had a talk after I left the other day, and he decided that it is best for us to just stay friends."

  "Do you still love him?"

  "Yes."

  "Did you lie to me when you said that you don't love me the same as you used to?"

  "I thought, at the time, that I was telling the truth. Now that I look back on it, I can see that I wasn't telling the truth."

  "So, you did lie."

  "Yeah. I lied, Dean. I lied and I feel like shit because of it."

  "Why did you lie?"

  "I didn't mean to. It just came out, so I went with it."

  Dean sits on the single bed and sighs, his mind going a million miles an hour due to the information he has just received. Sam looks over at his brother and a worried look spreads over his face seeing Dean so vulnerable. This isn't a normal thing for Dean, and Sam knows it. Sam sits down next to his brother and puts his arm around him, holding Dean close. Dean rests his head on Sam's shoulder as best he can and sighs, moving as close to Sam as he can without sitting on him. Dean closes his eyes and tries not to fall asleep, even though he has hardly had any sleep in the past week.

  "Go to sleep, Dean," Sam murmurs. "I'm not going anywhere."

  "Promise to stay alive?" Dean asks sleepily.

  "I promise, De."

  "Good."

  Dean yawns and lays down, cuddling up to one of the pillows that are still on the bed. Sam smiles and stands up, pulling the blanket over Dean's sleeping form. He sends a quick prayer to Cas and sits on the worn material couch, waiting for Cas to show up. He waits for a few minutes before sending another prayer, this time telling Cas to 'hurry his feathery ass up', and taps his foot in impatience. Ten minutes pass and Cas finally arrives, the sound of flapping wings signalling his arrival. Cas instantly sits on a chair in front of Sam, and his eyes flickering from Sam to the sleeping Winchester.

  "What took you so long?" Sam asks.

  "Angel stuff," Cas replies, his voice unusually tight.

  "You're angry at me."

  "No. I'm angry at myself for letting you go."

  "Cas..."

  "I'm in love with you, Sam, and this is pulling me apart piece by piece."

  "You know that I'm in love with you, Cas."

  Cas closes his eyes.

  "But, you also know that I'm in love with Dean."

  "You love him just that little bit more."

  Neither the hunter or the angel know that Dean is listening to the two of them talk, and trying so hard not to hit them for being the girls they are being. Sam has the feeling that he is being watched and looks over at his brother, only to see Dean's eyes watching Sam intently. Sam motions for Dean to come sit next to him, and Dean does just that, pushing the blanket off and walking straight to his little brother. Cas' eyes turn sad at the sight in front of him and he look down. Sam places his hand on Cas' leg, and Cas looks at the brothers.

  "Cas," Sam says softly. "I'm always going to love you. Remember that."

  Cas nods. "Your heart belongs to Dean. I understand."

  "And to you."

  Dean pouts. "I'm offended, Sammy."

  Cas frowns.

  "Dean, don't you start," Sam teases. "I know you're in love with Cas as well."

  Dean goes red. "I wasn't going to say anything."

  "Dean?" Cas asks. "What aren't you telling me?"

  "I remember everything."

**-|-|-|-**

  Cas stares at Dean in complete and utter shock. Dean remembers being saved from hell, and the years it took. He remembers all they talked about, and how they both fell in love. He remembers the pain and all the fights they had. Most of all, Dean remembers how he and Cas also fell in love with Sam. Well, in Dean's case, fell in love with Sam all over again. That shocks Sam to his core, and he knows that he has to pick one - Dean or Cas.

  "You're telling the truth?" Cas asks, disbelief colouring his voice.

  Dean nods. "I should have told you before, Cas."

  "It's fine. I understand why you told Sam first. He's your brother after all."

  "Cas-"

  "If anything is needed, you know where I'll be."

  "Cas!"

  Cas vanishes into thin air and Dean curses. Sam looks down and sighs, closing his eyes. The sadness on Sam's face makes Dean instantly rush over to his little brother, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. Sam hugs Dean back and hides his face in Dean's shoulder, reminding himself that Dean is right there with him, and not with the angel they have both fallen in love with. The thought alone makes Sam's gut churn uncomfortably, and a whimper like sound escapes him. Dean pulls back at the noise and look Sam dead in the eyes, his concern freely showing.

  "Sammy?" Dean asks. "What's wrong?"

  Sam shakes his head. "It's nothing."

  "Talk to me, Sam. I know that something is up."

  "It's stupid. Really."

  "It's about Cas and you, isn't it?"

  Sam stays quiet.

  "Cas and me?"

  Sam's facial expression must give something away because Dean makes a weird face.

  "Sam-"

  "I get it, Dean. You are in love with him. So am I. Don't make an even bigger deal out of it."

  Sam walks over to his suitcase and throws everything back in, not caring if it is a mess. He zips up the suitcase and then feels a pair of arms wrap themselves around his waist. Dean presses his forehead between Sam's shoulder blades and and lets out a choked noise. Sam rests his hands on Dean's and feels his brother's whole body jerk slightly, a shiver following soon after. Sam spins himself around in Dean's hold and pulls Dean closer, closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of being close to the one he loves.

  "Just tell me, Sammy," Dean whispers, more vulnerable than ever before.

  "I'm scared, De," Sam says, his voice thick. "Now that I've got you, I'm scared to lose you."

  "I'm not going anywhere. If I was going to, I would have when I found out about the demon blood."

  "Dean..."

  "It's okay, Sammy."

  "Okay..."

  "I love you, Bitch."

  "I love you too, Jerk."


	10. Ten - Never and Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey idjits!
> 
> *MAYDAY MAYDAY*  
> THIS IS THE EPILOGUE!  
> THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER OF THIS BOOK!  
> *MAYDAY MAYDAY*
> 
> This book is only a month old today and I have officially finished writing this... I spend too much time writing fanfiction and too little time doing my homework...
> 
> If any of you reading this on AO3 have Wattpad, can y'all go follow me? My Wattpad is the same as my AO3 (spnwincest). If you do, can y'all also please read my other fanfics?
> 
> \- Sammy xo

**-|-|-|-**

  "I don't think I can do this, Bobby," Dean says. "This is terrifying. More terrifying than that bloody cat!"

  Bobby laughs. "Take a breath, son. Everything is going to be alright."

  "What if he doesn't want this?"

  "He's the one who asked you, Dean."

  "Yeah but-"

  "Dean," Cas says, appearing in the doorway. "Breathe. I don't know how, but your anxiety is affecting Sam in ways you so do not want to know."

  Dean pulls at his hair. "Why aren't you keeping an eye on him? He'll probably try something, Cas!"

  Cas raises his hands in defense and disappears, going back to wherever Sam is. Dean sits on one of the chairs in Bobby's house and groans, his arms itching and his head spinning. He scratches at his left arm absently and is suddenly stopped when Bobby grabs his arm, a warning look on his face. Dean tears his arm out of Bobby's hold and clenches his fists, his nails digging into his palms and drawing blood.

  "Dammit, Dean," Bobby growls, forcing Dean's hands open. "You need to breathe."

  "Sorry, Bobby," Dean says, his voice weak. "I'm just paranoid."

  "Why?"

  "What if he only did this to humor me?"

  "Dean Winchester!"

**-|-|-|-**

  "Dean Winchester!" Bobby yells. "Don't you dare assume that Sam asked you to _humor_  you! You little son of a bitch!"

  Sam's head jerks up and he steps towards the door, his hand reaching out to open the door. Cas grabs Sam's hand and pulls him away from the door, pushing him lightly onto the bed. Sam groans and curses in Latin, flipping Cas off. Cas lets out a small chuckle and sits next to Sam, wrapping his arm around the youngest Winchester. Sam drops his head into his hands and falls back onto the beg, dragging Cas with him.

  "How nervous is he, Cas?" Sam asks.

  Cas laughs. "He's a mess. He is scared too."

  "What could be possibly be scared of?"

  "He thinks you asked him to do this just to humor him."

  "Oh come on! Why would I do that?"

  "It's just his anxiety talking, Sam. Breathe."

  "I think I'm breaking, Cas."

  "You're going to be okay, Sam."

**-|-|-|-**

  "I never imagined this would ever happen," Dean says. "I mean, I've watched you grow from a little six month old baby into a twenty-for year old man, and it feels like I only blinked once. Man, I remember when you wanted the last lot of cereal for dinner instead of spaghettios back when Dad was hunting that Shtriga in Wisconsin, and I hadn't had any. You were a pain in the ass, but I still let you have the last of them. You gave me the prize out of the box. You were a cheeky little kid."

  Sam laughs and even Bobby lets out a mutter of "You have no idea, kid."

  "Then there was that Christmas when Dad didn't come home. You were so sad, and did what I could to make you happy again. That's the day you gave me this amulet, and I haven't forgotten that you were so happy to give me something. That was also the day you found out about what Dad did for a living, and I made you promise that you wouldn't tell him. I was scared for your safety because you had stolen his bloody book!"

  Sam goes red.

  "I remember that night you left for Stanford, Sammy. It hurt. I mean, you left me. After you had gone I went straight to your room and threw some stuff around, but managed not to break your stuff. I found your journal, and I couldn't help myself; I read it, and I still haven't forgotten what the first three words in the book were. ' _I love Dean._ ' That's what they were. I literally felt my heart break at that. You left because you loved me, you couldn't be around me because you didn't know that I actually felt the same. At the time, I didn't know I did. It wasn't until a year and a half later that I realised that I was in love with you and couldn't stop loving you."

  A sniffle sounds and both boys look over at Bobby. He grumbles and tells Dean to continue with his speech.

  "Then Dad went missing, and I had the chance to go get you. Then I saw how happy you were at that party with Jess, and my heart broke. I was going to tell you how I felt, but seeing you with her... I couldn't. I thought your feelings had changed, and I didn't want to have to hear those words come from your mouth. I still went and got you later that night though, after making sure I got the apartment right. I did the stupid thing and broke in when I should have just knocked, but hey, there's nothing better than a little fight to rekindle our brotherly love!"

  Sam snorts and smirks at Dean. "I kicked your ass."

  "Yeah I know, but I still got a few good hits. Anyway, we finished that case and then Jess died. I couldn't let you stay there longer than a week so I dragged you away. Then there was that Bloody Mary thing a few weeks later. Man, I thought that I was going to lose you right then and there, but I didn't. Everything happened so fast after that; we got Dad back, and then he died, I almost died. Then the whole clown issue. Dude, all that psychic crap scared the hell out of me. You died because of it, Sammy, and I sold my soul for you so I didn't have to lose you again. You were so pissed at me for that. It's my job to protect you though, Sammy."

  "There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, Dean," Sam says. "I would have done the same if the circumstances were reversed."

  "Yeah I know. You have. I mean, you tried everything to get me out of it, even if you ended up dying again. Then I died, and you turned to Ruby. You got addicted, and I thought that I lost you again. We've been through a hell of a lot of shit, but that was by far the worst we've both been put through. There's nothing that even comes close. At least we killed that bitch of a demon before she could do any more damage to you. Lucifer still got out though, and we still have to deal with that, but now is not the time. We'll deal with it in a few months."

  Sam laughs. "We can't even have a year alone."

  "There are so many more things that I really want to say to you, but you still have to say everything you have planned. Or is it all just going to be off the top of your head? Either way, I'm sure mine is going to be complete shit compared to it. Just don't make me cry or you're screwed. Bitch."

  "Jerk," Sam replies instantly.

  "Assbutts!" Cas yells from somewhere in the room.

  "Okay, idjits," Bobby laughs. "We have something to finish here."

  "Jerk," Sam mumbles.

  "Bitch," Dean smirks.

  "Dean, can I get to talk or not?"

  "I love you, Bitch."

  "I love you too, Jerk," Sam says. "Seriously, how am I supposed to compare to that whole speech? Mine seems so small compared to yours, De. I'm going to try my best though. I just can't think of how to start it, so I'm just going to be extremely random."

  "That's what you're good at," Dean teases.

  "Growing up with you being like this still makes those years the best years of my life because that's one of the main reasons I fell in love with you. I remember wanting that cereal so bad, and then feeling bad that you didn't get any. That's why I gave you the prize from the box. I didn't want to be more of a little spoilt brat. Then I remember seeing you standing in the doorway with your shotgun after that Shtriga got in through the window. You scared it off, even before Dad came in."

  Dean shrugs. "It's what I had drilled into me. 'Look after, Sammy.' or 'Look out for, Sammy.' It was one of those before Dad disappeared for days on end. I only disobeyed once, and that was that night. I never did it again after that."

  "Dean, stop it. We can talk about this later. Anyway, that Christmas was the year you stole me a bunch of girl presents from the house up the road from the motel because you didn't have any money to get me anything. It's the thought that counts though. I gave you the amulet then, and I honestly didn't know how you'd react. Man, that day reminds of those Pagan sons of bitches."

  "The Pagan gods? That was an annoying ass case."

  "We got drunk on eggnog. Alcoholic eggnog I might as well add. I vaguely remember you telling me something about loving me so much and that you didn't want to lose me. It made me happy, but then I thought 'What if he's just drunk and doesn't actually mean it?' and that kind of soured my mood. I'm a happy ass drunk though, so that didn't last too long. I think we played Twister that night..."

  "Sam! Why didn't you tell me?!"

  "It's on tape! You can watch it later. Anyway, where was I? Right. Stanford. The night I left, all I wanted to do was to bring you with me, but I knew you wouldn't leave Dad behind, even for me. I never knew that you read my journal and, now that I do, I can beat your ass for that. It was private, and I didn't know that I had forgotten it until I got to Stanford. It was too late to go back to get it then anyway, and I kind of hoped that you would read it and understand why I left."

  "Sammy..."

  "Then you showed up two years later needing my help. I helped and my girlfriend died because I helped you. I knew she was going to die and I still left. You should have see the look on her face as she burned... Then it all melted-"

  "Sam!" Dean yells. "Sam, snap the hell out of it!"

  Sam looks up. "Sorry."

  "It's okay, Sammy. Just skip that okay?"

  "Yeah. Anyway, then the Wendigo took you when we were in Colorado. I thought you were dead. I couldn't function, but I had to; for Hayley's little brother, that's all I had except the fear that you were dead. Then we found you and we killed the son of a bitch. I wanted to kiss you right then and there, but then I didn't. I saw Hayley kiss you later and I felt my blood boil when you kissed her back. That's when it clicked that you didn't feel the same. Then the mother of that child on the next case we worked on."

  "I was trying to hide my feelings."

  "I can see that now. Then Dad died, and you almost died again. Then the clowns, and you wouldn't stop with it for weeks after that case. Then I died because Jake literally stabbed me in the back. When I found out you sold your soul for me, yeah I was pissed, but I knew that you did it because you loved me; even if it wasn't the way I wanted you to love me."

  "I couldn't lose you. Not then, not now, not ever."

  "I know, De. It's the same for me. You went to hell because of it though, and I couldn't forgive myself. I tried everything I could to get you back and I couldn't, so I turned to Ruby for help. It was the worst decision I ever made, and I hate that I got addicted. You did what you had to do. Stop blaming yourself for what happened to me after you died. You couldn't have done anything. You were... Yeah... But you came back."

  "I couldn't leave my little brother alone now could I?" Dean asks.

  "I saved your ass, Dean!" Cas yells. "Don't sound so cocky!"

  "Oh but I am!"

  "Guys, do your little Destiel moment later, I'm talking. I agree with you, Dean, we have been through a hell of a lot of shit, but that addiction was by far the worst we've both been put through. There's nothing that even comes close to what I did and what I put you through. You did kill that bitch before she could do any more damage to me, and that's why I love you so much. True, Lucifer still got out, and we still have to deal with that, but I'm not going to let either of us focus on that little bastard of an archangel for more than a second."

  Dean sniffles. "I warned you not to make me cry, Sammy. You still did."

  "I was going to say more, but now you're crying. So I'm going to just shut up and not say anything else, because I'm going to get my ass kicked if I make you cry any more."

  "Damn right."

  "You still love me."

  "Yeah. I love you too much to stay mad at you, Sammy."

  "I love you too, De."

  Cas sobs loudly. "Shut up before I make you two shut up."

  "Screw you, Cas!" Sam and Dean yell, laughing.

  "I now pronounce you husband and husband," Bobby says, stopping the argument before it begins and trying not to choke on the tears running down his face. "You may kiss to your heart's content, you idjits."

  Sam stands completely still and smirks down at Dean. Dean growls in annoyance and stretches up to kiss Sam. Sam then puts his hands on Dean's waist and kisses him back softly. Dean wraps his arms around Sam's neck the best he can and responds a bit too eagerly to the kiss. The kiss is interrupted by Cas cheering right in front of them and they pull back, glaring playfully at the immature little angel that they have adopted into their broken, but somehow perfect, little family.

***THE END***


End file.
